Wednesday, September 13

reminiscing on rainy days

Wednesday, September 13

Bangkok, 13-9-2017

My back pressed against the pillow, my hair for the first time in months in a low knot, I'm writing this little diary entry in my journal. I'm sorry if the first post I posted on here had to be a somber one, but so be it. Actually, I'm not sorry. It's just the way it is right now. My whole room is getting darker by the minute, the clouds slowly covering the last little bit of sunlight lighting up Bangkok and it's only 3 o'clock in the afternoon. This room has been my safe place the past two days, this bed my safe haven. A million drops of rain fill up the blue empty lonely pool outside my room. I believe tonight might finally be the day I get to swim in it. Oh, how I long for swimming in that pool. Not that I could, even this enormous amount of rain isn't enough to fill up a stupid blue pool.

Calming melancholic tunes and the sound of a big thunderstorm are filling my room. Thunderstorms are different than back home, here, it's like the power the rain has is ten times as strong, the thunder more intense. I've been listening to it all day since that is probably the most soothing thing you can do on a rainy day like this.

The past week has knocked me down, put me in a place I haven't been in in a while. I suppose there had to be a time where wasn't all happy, all eager to discover new places and to go out. I just didn't see it coming, that's all. Readjusting to a new country, another culture is harder than I thought. This is different than just 'backpacking' - a subject I will address in a later post, for sure. Let's just say, the Thai culture is a lot to take in - take it from someone who suddenly is part of a big Thai family and all that comes with it.

Just a few minutes ago, I found my mind lingering over a sunny Saturday, in the midst of summer. I was sitting in the front seat of the car, next to my father. My mum and little brother were in the back. It was only two weeks before I left for Canada and right there and then, in the car driving home from a far-off party in the middle of nowhere, the sun blinding my eyes, I slowly felt a tear coming up. Tired as I was, not participating in the conversation going on, I observed my parents and little brother talking about everything and nothing. I realized I was going to miss this. The small - seemingly unimportant - family moments. Even if I would come back home, it would never be 'this'. This journey is the first stage of me 'fleeing the nest' and figuring out the world on my own. Coming back, I would probably move house - of course, spend time with my family, but it wouldn't be in the same way. I would have changed. It scared me, in that moment.

I look at my painfully looking short bitten nails. Another thing I can rant about, how I time and time again fail to stop biting them. Maybe I just have to accept that it is something I do, sadly. I won't bother you with it too much.

The picture is a self-portrait I took in Victoria on my mum's old point and shoot. Look at those mountains, that's the gorgeous West-coast of Canada right there. Soon I will tell all kinds of stories from Canada and Thailand, but my mind has been somewhere else this whole trip. It wasn't there to take pictures or to write everything down for the world to know, it was present in the moment, taking all that I've seen to a safe space in my brain where I can remember it for the years to come.

I'm going to stand in the rain for a minute, let all my sadness be washed away.

xo

Naomi

4 comments :

If you want to leave a little message, here is the place to do it! I would love to hear what you have to say - even if it's something small. I will try and reply to every comment I get. Big hug, Naomi

  1. Als je reist kom je jezelf tegen en dat is nu bij jou ook wel een beetje het geval lijkt me, maar dat is oke. Je leert hieruit. Voor het eerst een lange tijd weg zijn van thuis en het onbekende, het hele loslatengedoe, is iets heel engs en zwaars en moeilijks. In mijn eigen omgeving merk ik dat mensen dat minder inzien als je dat loslaten in de vorm van een lange reis doet, maar dat vind ik net tienduizend keer moeilijker. Reizen is niet altijd leuk, cool en instagramwaardig. 'Je kan jezelf nooit achterlaten' - echt iets waar ik elke keer weer aan denk als ik op reis ben. Hoe spannend de bestemming ook is en hoe hard je er ook naar uit kijkt, het zal nooit perfect zijn gewoon omdat je op reis bent. Het leven is niet makkelijker als je op reis bent en reizen maakt niet gelukkig. Maar echt, ke leert hieruit. Je gaat groeien door deze reis en je gaat er zo hard achterkomen wat je aan jezelf hebt. En er zullen ook echt nog momenten komen dat je enthousiast je buurt gaat ontdekken en dit fijn vindt. Tot dat moment is het helemaal oke om even in je veilige warme bed te blijven, de rest kan ook later. Doe het op je eigen tempo. Heel veel liefs!

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  2. Heel veel liefde voor jou! Ik bewonder je echt in wat je allemaal doet all on your own, en dan is het logisch dat je dit soort dagen hebt (vooral als het weer ook niet meewerkt). Prachtig geschreven trouwens! X

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  3. Mooooi geschreven, herkenbaar, geen probleem als je meer van dit soort stukjes schrijft :)

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